I was raised in the City of Brotherly Love, and like Jesus, I'm Jewish and the apparent result of a miracle birth (Mom was never pregnant). I was smart enough to skip kindergarten, and then got expelled for kicking a teacher in the groin, while in first grade. I went to a private school attended by the Children of the Corn, who wanted to sacrifice me at the feet of Lady Liberty, to ensure the renewal of freedom and justice.
My parents wouldn't let me go anywhere without them, as I was cheaper than a therapist and had no co-payments. I considered suicide at age fourteen but decided not to (obviously), as there were no actresses I thought capable of portraying me in the inevitable movie of the week. I suffered from major depression (though my family enjoyed it, insisting that there was nothing wrong with me). I graduated as the top seventh performer at my school (I was runner up for the top sixth, and am fielding offers for hit men to raise my rank).
I went to Muhlenberg College, where I met my future husband (and seferin), and then graduated "Come Loudly", before getting married, changing jobs several times, and then moving to Delaware.